35. Man Stuff

I don’t feel good about what happened.
I email this counselling service I saw ICF info flow –
Man to Man.
Now, I’ve got a counsellor back in London.
Years of counselling I’ve had.
There’s nothing I haven’t told him.
He knows it all.
The shame. The pain. The abuse. The anger. The hatred. The forgiveness. The healing. The love.
But this is face to face.
And he’s connected to New Life – the church I like.
I make contact.
Arrange an appointment.
We meet.
In a cafe.
I open up.
I had sexual contact with a young woman.
I pour out my shame.
My guilt.
My pain.
15 years I’d been waiting to fall in love.
15 years since Amelia.
And now I’d given up my inheritance for one meal that had lasted not even 15 minutes.
I felt terrible.
I was in need of love.
I needed to know God forgave me.
Not in Cambodia 1 month and already I’d sinned – been sexual with a young woman. (The girl was 28 with two children already).
What was that Swedish proverb?

Love me when I least deserve it
Cos that is when I really need it.

This proverb would raise its voice over and over as my journey in Cambodia continued.
Now, it rang true.
My ‘counsellor’ told me that the Pastor of New Life thought I was a “predator.”
I couldn’t believe it.
I was being judged without being known.
I was furious.
This labelling sent me into a period of researching the harm of labels.
A predator?
I was the opposite.
I was in Cambodia to give not to take – to help not to harm.
A predator?
He’d never even met me.
Just seen me once on a Sunday – a white face amongst hundreds of Khmer.
I was devastated.
Talk about being kicked when you’re down.
This wasn’t the counselling I was used to in England.
Where was the support? The reassurance?
Where was the love?

Author: Mark Dark

Actor Teacher Writer Breaking Bad for Christ – a Novel. Actor turned Christian missionary turns his back on his Hollywood dreams to combat sex trafficking in Cambodia – and finds himself deep underground in a dangerous world of drugs, gangs and violence. Based on a true story. https://steveedwardsthoughts.wordpress.com/

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